masvida

mac

132 Watchers355 Deviations

17.4K

Pageviews

Latest Deviations

See all

Heavy by masvida, literature

Literature

Heavy

There was a lot of me, so many left-behinds and details and colours I dropped in the dirt as I walked away. These days, it feels like a grave. These days, it feels like a weight. These days, it feels like I cut half of myself off in order to birth the other half-- these days, it feels like betrayal, a funeral that never needed to happen, like someone knocking through the window of a half-built house in the kind of neighborhood where nobody brings housewarming cookies. They burn you down instead. There was a lot of me, and none of me, and some of me, carried through and carried down and carried over, and I am something else these days. These days, someone else has pushed through and this half is not mine and this betrayal is not mine and this funeral is not mine and these windows are not mine and this fire is mine and-- I am drowning in the hoses putting me out. They save you and they kill you. There was none of me, and a lot of me, and some of me, and I am climbing and falling and

Love Me Back by masvida, literature

Literature

Love Me Back

Love me back. It's been four years and two breakups later and I still don't know how to tell you that I know that you're as scared to love me as your dog is afraid of thunderstorms. And sometimes I wish we could walk around in those thundershirts to see if it would make loving me any less earth-shattering, but I know better than that. I know better than to wish for a lightning storm. I'm the kind of guy that gets struck twice, and you're the one hiding in the basement waiting for it to be over. She told me that she's an all-in-but-afraid-to-lose-me kind of girl, just as you're an all-out-but-afraid-to-love-me kind of boy. Most days it feels

satellite by masvida, literature

Literature

satellite

i need a hobby and i need time and i need sleep and i need and i need thoughts scatter like dust when you blow on it, always a cloud to choke on- cleaning involves discomfort, i guess, and the whirlwind causes an inability to take the next step. i should be growing beyond the comfortable but even the comfortable is terrifying, masking anxiety is a powerful skill (until it wears off), high-strung and short-wired is what broke things but workaholic and unyielding was the snapping point i don’t know how to repair a mind. going to a mechanic shouldn’t end with being laughed out, constantly convinced the world will flip over, maybe

Can you Hear Me Now? by masvida, literature

Literature

Can you Hear Me Now?

It makes me feel like an icicle sharp, ripped, empty when I get that look— the can’t-you-try-harder look, that I-can’t-believe-you’re-not-listening-to-me look, the I-just-fucking-repeated-myself look, face full of disgust, a forehead crumpled into sheets of words that you won’t say, mostly because you don’t think I’ll hear you the first time, fourth time, the talked-away-from-my-face time. It’s okay. Maybe you’re right. Sick of not being able to walk around without feeling like a tiny bug smacking into windshield after windshield after windshield sound from all sides and all rooms, too

Sparkling by masvida, literature

Magic Tickets by masvida, literature

Literature

Magic Tickets

Tuesday September 2nd 2014 I guess that journal entires were made for reading, never had one that wasn't torn away and secret-keeping is the worst kind of concept most nights I stay up racing until I drop out like a knock out you lose the fight that way maybe I'm losing mine? I've been waiting for my boxes one is full of ways to a high or a low, I don't know which is which anymore shame, pain, something like that everybody seems surprised that I have made it here nobody seems surprised that I keep hitting walls my goal is to get good grades and try not to die I don't think those are living-type goals, though, nobody talks about the middle

Halfway Points by masvida, literature

Literature

Halfway Points

My muscles clench and twitch and I can't wake up and I can't fall asleep. They say that it's just a symptom of anxiety, he says he is sorry that I am suffering. Nobody says that I am allowed to fix anything, though, and that's the catch phrase! that wins the game. I am seventeen and I am crying and I am nineteen and I am debating if I need stitches and I am six and I am falling off my bed dreaming about something better, it never comes. The first time your hands reached where hers did, I realized that sometimes I am capable of healing, and the first time her hands touched me I realized that I am very much capable of dying-- we are all lessons

Like father Like Son by masvida, literature

Literature

Like father Like Son

most of the time we try to forget I’ve gotten very good at not staring things in the face, reality versus dreamland, spent seven days sleeping on and off on and off whole summer dreaming whole waking hours too tired to kill myself more than an occasional cigarette, occasional speeding , an occasional drink I hate being drunk the fear is good for me, cloudy eyes and messy thinking, slamming into the walls sleeping in an empty house does things to me sleeping in a full house makes me regret breathing most of the time I feel like my life has a fast expiration date. shoulders are fading faster than my resolve, but I hate the way his brea

Guilt Complex by masvida, literature

Literature

Guilt Complex

spinspinspinspinspin twenty-seven drags to finish too much smoke, hands slapping air, I cannot think can't think can't think not supposed to have can't in a poem instead of cannot it's bad writing and I forget what the apostrophe words are called last time I have needles is tomorrow and no I am not an addict one week one one one one who can live with seven days as their deadline most people recommend breathing exercises some yell and tell me to be grateful work harder argue more clearly, I am too young to be thrown out too damn old to be told that i am too young most of my life has felt like a paradox, and when the stars align it is laughab

Gravitational by masvida, literature

Literature

Gravitational

You make me feel like burning houses, bruised legs from barely-finished basketball games, all the soccer-ball-concussions that made my teeth feel like they were filled with the opposite of Novocain— you are a motherfucking explosion of those sparks at the end of a cigarette, I can never avoid the end, fingertips grazing hot ashes you used to tell me stories about how I’d wake up at the slightest sound you’d crawl out of my room so quietly now it feels like I have to crawl into your life too quietly. I was not created to be silent- I think that some days you forget that I have the right to be splashed paint all over sweatpan

See All

Featured Gallery

See all

Heavy by masvida, literature

Literature

Heavy

Love Me Back by masvida, literature

Literature

Love Me Back

satellite by masvida, literature

Literature

satellite

Can you Hear Me Now? by masvida, literature

Literature

Can you Hear Me Now?

Sparkling by masvida, literature

Magic Tickets by masvida, literature

Literature

Magic Tickets

Halfway Points by masvida, literature

Literature

Halfway Points

Like father Like Son by masvida, literature

Literature

Like father Like Son

Guilt Complex by masvida, literature

Literature

Guilt Complex

Gravitational by masvida, literature

Literature

Gravitational

Watchers 132

See all

ariya-sacca

xaviena

TheGhostOut

Miss-Alyssa0409

cujo4

sognielacrime

chromeantennae

RussianTim

PrimeInsanity

CobaltCupcakes

tattedntorn

sailacrossthestars

Watching 126

See all

plastic-pipes

PrimeInsanity

NorthernBlack

mr-boonshine

SachaKalis

Writingstream

FindChaos

JaimeIbarra

tsubame-33

libstick

One-Of-A-Kinnd

Pretty-As-A-Picture

alicexz

rodeochick21

kittysyellowjacket

Collection

Favourites

See all

schizophrenia? by crooked-clockwork, literature

Literature

schizophrenia?

psychology defines schizophrenia as an impairing, delusional disorder borne in the person’s inexorable inability to tell right from wrong, hopeless fantasy from harsh reality, or even suspicion from acceptance but aspen is a lovely, flexible woman with names of imperial animal races that never belonged to them, with the countless colors of her eyes that she makes up with named numbers written in cursive sharpie on her palms she takes pills that seem to dampen & take away those charming things she always says to me; the voices don’t haunt or tease her, they’ve always respected the way she counted with willpower & the way sh

So by tsubame-33, journal

So

Nov 27, 2013

It has been three weeks I think.... since I almost killed myself. I drove off but she wouldn't let me take the bottles of pills. I drove in circles and circles. I don't know why I finally decided to go back. I think it was the right choice though. It took an old friend to convince me. I can not tell you how raw your soul feels in the hours after that. Knowing you are so far gone that you will take that kind of leap. Everything feels like sandpaper and every millimeter of you is ready to fall apart. I don't know why I didn't. I just spent a lot of time crying and ditched class without saying. I'm still a newborn to this kind of thin

Deviation Spotlight

Legacy by masvida, literature

Literature

Legacy

We always were asking questions Wondering why this would happen Hoping things would change Sighing You never asked; you accepted You never wondered; you just knew You didn't just hope; you changed things Smiling And we were changed by you We learned things we never would've known Had you never existed You taught us to embrace the moment To accept the past To make now better And always believe that tomorrow could be great. You lived each day to the fullest While we waited around for life to happen You made life happen You never waited Why did you go? It was time to go You knew that Didn't you? And yet we always knew Tha

Legacy

masvida

About masvida

See all

United States
Deviant for 13 years

Badges

My Bio

If you knew me...

You'd know that I hate speaking in english because I never know the right things to say, and maybe it makes it sound a little less wrong if it's in another language that you can't understand. You'd know that I love the feel of syllables rolling off my tongue like water falls off a waterfall. That's probably why I talk so fast, for the feel of it and not so you'd ever understand what I'm saying.
[I whisper my secrets because they hurt to tell]

You'd know that I think that looking up into the sky makes me feel like I'm falling up and I never did like falling, so I don't look up. You'd know that dreaming is skyward and so I've forgotten how to dream. That's probably why I get so frustrated with your high hopes for the future, because I prefer to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, but you're flying with your hopes and I'm losing sight of you.
[I ripped out my wings so I can't fly]

You'd know that I believe that love is both the most healing and deadly thing in the world, because it can break hearts (incurable) and heal them (impossible). You'd know that I wish that I can somehow get the cure for my shattered heart, without the danger of breaking again. That's probably why I'm so jealous of those who've managed to avoid the whole business of getting hurt and having to live in a state of brokenness.
[I've lost hope for myself, because I've forgotten how to love]

You'd know that I never liked going to funerals, because that's when I feel the least alive and living becomes a myth. You'd know that that's when I remember that I have a heart, and having a heart hurts way too much sometimes. That's probably why I never listen to it; I ignore my heart because half the time it only results in the kind of pain that you can't stop with medication.
[I try to forget about the other half of the time]

Personal Quote: Live.

Other Interests

Poetry. Drawing.

Posts

See all

masvida

Jan 3, 2014

Tattoos

0 min read

Hello! So this is about tattoos. Obviously. While I don't have any quite yet, I am definitely getting these quotes from two incredible people tattooed onto me: "where some try to trap you, many more are working to set you free" -Paige B. "...and he was happy" -Kelsey R. These were huge for me, during a very tumultuous time period of my life (about when this account started) and I cannot erase those impactful words or people. :) However, I've always wanted poetry tattooed, be it lines or full poems, and maybe even my own words. The issue is that I really don't know/remember what I love about many writings, and maybe you guys can help. Wha

Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

masvida

Aug 11, 2013

A QUESTION

0 min read

Hey hey hey! Yes, I've been somewhat MIA again, apologies! I've been working 'round the clock to pay for top surgery (look that up, folks, it's one of those medical things related to this whacky think called being transgender). And CHEERS I'm halfway there! I am going to have to pay around $10,000 for this thing (travel expenses included), which is insanity isn't it? Insurance companies aren't a huge fan of this medical condition. Oh well. So as I'm halfway there and also pretty much going crazy with the stress of my situation, I was wondering if anyone had any feedback on the idea of creating a kickstarter or one of those fundraiser things

Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

masvida

Jun 29, 2013

I'm Alive :]

0 min read

So, I'm alive. Hi. I won't be on much (work life) but I still want to keep better track of y'all Update me! Also, link me to your proudest works that I may have missed. I want to see them. Let me know of any prompts you think of; I want to get writing more often!! Alright, see you soon. G'night. -Mac